Random Emma Thoughts...

I can't remember. I can't remember what her skin felt like next to mine. I can't remember how it felt to hold her. I can't remember the sound of her voice. I can't remember exactly what color her eyes were. I can't remember why I was so frustrated with her that one day. I can't remember a thousand little things.

So many of my memories of Emma now are from video or pictures. I look at the pictures and remember what was happening on that day, or when I took that picture. I only remember her voice when I watch videos, or sometimes when I hear Liberty.

As I write this though, my memories are coming back. I am not just remembering what it was like when she died, because I remember that more than anything. But, I am remembering how she liked to suck on my nose, the way she would smile so big but not laugh, the way she would try to catch sunbeams on the floor, how she loved the wind in her hair and the rain on her face. She was so so very happy. I remember that. I remember the feel of her soft skin on her neck, and how it felt to bury my face in her hair.

I remember the last week of her life. She wouldn't sleep, not at all. Jeremy took her out for a drive a couple nights. She and I played and luckily I took a lot of video of her that week.

Oh I miss her. I search for her in my other children. I search for bits of her...Amelia has her nose, Libby has her smile, eyes and hair, Seth loved to nurse like she did...

She would be starting 1st grade on Monday. What would she have looked like? What would she have wanted to wear on Monday? What would she be doing? It never goes away, that wondering, wondering what she would be like?

If I didn't know that I would see her again someday, if I didn't know it without a doubt, I think I would go crazy. I will continue to search for her in my other kids, my home will feel empty without her here, but I will see her again and that gives me so much comfort.